My name is Sepehr [alias used]. I was born and raised in Iran, a country that kills people for falling in love. My government kills homosexuals by asserting we are an enemy of GOD.  My president denies us even our existence as human beings when he claimed there are no homosexuals in Iran during his speech at Columbia University.

If he can say there are no homosexuals in Iran, it is because we cannot show ourselves. We stay hidden because if we are visible they will lash us; they will hang us; they will kill us.

They tell us that we are fighting with GOD by falling in love with the same sex. I want to understand that if this is the case, then why has GOD created us like this?  I have had great difficulty in Iran and have never felt attracted to the opposite sex and my whole life I have been confronted insecurity about this.

I have always felt like an outsider and friends and acquaintances have often discussed my difference but I could never change how I feel.  When I began high school, the abuse started.  This left emotional scars.

Then I met someone from school who changed my life.  The feeling that existed between us finally gave new meaning to my life.  But this came at the cost of handcuffs and the hard punches of the Basiji.

My period of dejection began from there.  I understood that my feelings are sinful.  I was afraid of everyone and everything.  I tried to straighten my life.  I went to University and learned English and this kept my thoughts occupied for a while, in a new place and with new people who didn’t know me.

I eventually went to see a doctor and realized that this is my nature and not a virus of some sort.  But still I was looking for answers to so many questions.  I read books to understand how I should relate to myself and my feelings.

It was at this point that I realized that I have a right to a life of my own.  I met a friend and together we tried to put the past behind us.  In a new town and with a new life, I finally entered into a few good years.

But the effects of my sexual identity had me trapped again and this good period of my life came to an end. Again sadness; again loneliness.  Am I sick?  Do I have a disease?  My family abandoned me, and just because I love people of the same sex as me.

Leaving Iran

I left Iran by bus to Pakistan because I was being threatened.  If arrested, I risked being killed in a public execution with no trial.

From Pakistan I went to Zimbabwe and finally ended up in Malaysia in May 2007 where I applied for asylum and registered with the Office of the United Nations High Commission for Refugees.

Almost a year later, I have completed my second interview and am now awaiting the results of this process.

For about eight months I have been suffering here in Malaysia.  In order to get money to eat, I went to the hospital to sell one of my kidneys but they told me that it is illegal to sell body parts in Malaysia.  However, I have few options as I am not allowed to work so acquiring those basic needs for survival are therefore difficult.

I am staying in a small town 45 kilometres from the capital city with no money to eat, and living accommodations that leave me vulnerable to millions of insects that suck my blood every night.  I do not know what to do. I don’t even have money to buy soap to wash my clothes.

I sit here now in this dying body to write this letter to you.  I am praying.  I am crying.  I am begging my GOD to help me.  I am planning to commit suicide but if I do that I will lose so much, over 10 years of study, hard work and self-reflection to figure out who I am.

I had plans.  I wanted to write books.  I wanted to share my experiences.  I wanted to help gay men to better understand who they are.

I wanted to speak with people to help them to understand that I deserve to live too.  But this is my life now and as I am writing this letter my life is over.  But what I can't understand is what I have done so wrong that I deserve to have my body burnt by cigarettes.  I can’t understand what I did wrong that I must be beaten with a gun.  But this is life.

I cannot make my plans with an empty stomach.  I cannot continue this life.  I need your help now. Please help to show me a more just life.  I am still young.  I want to be alive but I don't know how. Please contact me and show me the way.

HELP ME NOW, TOMORROW IS TOO LATE.  I beg you.

I AM TIRED.

■  For more information and details of how you can help, please visit the IRanian Queer Organisation website.

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Posted: 21 February 2008 at 00:00 (UK time)